THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS

As far as I can ascertain, it all started with the Greeks who reckoned there were eight sins: pride, vainglory, acedia(?), anger, sadness, avarice, lust and gluttony. Later theologians folded pride into vainglory, acedia into sadness and added envy. In the 17th century the Church replaced sadness with sloth and that’s the barrow they’ve been pushing ever since.

Along the way, artists were commissioned to depict the sins and the punishments to remind the faithful of the horrors which awaited them if they strayed from the straight and narrow path.

Those artists created a fine body of work which, whilst historically significant, is irrelevant in today’s society. The sins are still the same but, as far as I know, nobody of late has been chucked into a snake pit because of sloth - today, they’re on welfare! Ergo, what I set out to do was to get rid of the ancient symbolism and bring the depiction of the sins up to date.

1. PRIDE

VERWEENING OPINION OF ONE’S OWN QUALITIES

According to Shakespeare, ‘All the world’s a stage and all the men and women are merely players:’ What he didn’t say is every damn player reckons he, or she, is centre stage in the lead role and the rest of the world’s six billion people are the supporting cast.

Naturally enough, if one is the star one ought to look the part: for a man that’s pretty easy because his self esteem is irrevocably linked to the size of his penis and, provided he bathes fairly regularly, wears a good suit and drives an expensive car, he might be told he has rugged good looks.

A woman with similar features might be told she’s homely. Unfair? Sure, but her wobbly bits can be kept in check with foundation garments and, if money is no object, a surgeon’s scalpel can work wonders on wrinkles, tummies, tits, bums, lips and noses...whatever. Then with a little help from her beauty consultant, hairdresser, manicurist and dentist the transformation is truly amazing. All is vanity - the only problem is, it takes the dedication of a panel beater an hour and a half each morning to assemble the star.

2. ENVY

GRUDGING CONTEMPLATION OF MORE FORTUNATE PERSONS
It’s not fair! I’m as straight as an arrow and every bit as good as the next bloke so how come I keep missing out on my share of fame and fortune? It’s not as if I want to be a rock star or anything but I’ve spent my entire life colouring-in and it’s about time I got some recognition.

Maybe I miss out on the odd shower or two but I don’t masturbate in public, I don’t fart in elevators and I don’t wear my wife’s underwear. Mind you, it’s probably true I have the memory of an amnesiac, the wit of an undertaker and the jolly good humour of a traffic cop but that’s no reason for art critics to laugh at my work - they’ll get their come-uppance!

I’m also beginning to get more than a little touchy about people who steal my ideas - fact is, for most of my life it’s been one damn thing after another.

You can laugh but I reckon life sucks!

3. WRATH

ANGER AGAINST AN INNOCENT
Recently I read 64% of Australians are angry, "...at nothing in particular." And, according to society’s watchdogs, it’s wrong to repress anger because anger creates adrenaline which gives one indigestion etc. Ergo, I suppose it’s a good thing there’s lots of unrepressed anger on our roads today: burning rubber, flashing lights, bad language and offensive gestures are nothing more than the outward signs of motorists trying to curb their indigestion. Apologists have come to the party and flipped a coat of respectability over unrepressed anger and gross stupidity by re-naming it ‘road-rage’ meaning, of course, the out-of-control clown behind the wheel is no longer responsible for his (or her) actions.

On the other hand, if some angry idiot wants to play chicken with a brick wall, he (or she) has my blessing - one less idiot on the road means less traffic congestion and that has to be a good and desirable outcome.

Me? I forgot my antacid tablet, "So move it asshole!"

4. SLOTH

INDOLENCE
Nothing much happened today. My dole cheque arrived (yawn) so I bought a bottle of rum and some cigarettes (yawn) and spent the day with my feet up watching television (yawn).

I’ll finish this painting...one day...

5. AVARICE

GREED
Social engineers reckon the road to Utopia will be hacked out through economic reform - only problem is the reformers appear to have their hands jammed in the cash register.

Gnawing at the foundations of society are those who were, once, thought to be its pillars. When I was a small child I used to look up to and admire teachers and clergymen but, of late, far too many have been caught with their pants around their ankles. I also admired policemen, doctors, bank managers and politicians - not any more! Too many of us have had our rights violated by bent police, been ill treated by doctors busy rorting the health system, been ripped off by conniving bank managers and been lied to by corrupt politicians who have redefined the meaning of honesty..

For what? In most cases, a quick buck.

Our children are quick learners and know there’s more going on under the table than on top - small wonder they neither trust nor respect their elders.

6. GLUTTONY

EXCESSIVE EATING
Recently I made a mid-morning foray into a suburban shopping centre and, frankly, I couldn’t believe what I saw: bucket assed families waddling around, shovelling an endless supply of fast food into their fat faces - (the really good thing about fast food is it gives one more time to eat more).

One problem I’ve noticed with fast food is, there’s no smell and everything tastes the same. According to a university report I read recently, respondents in a blind test couldn’t tell the difference between raw and cooked hamburger meat. Same with apples and oranges which, today, are picked early and gassed en route to produce markets.

Dieticians reckon the average family is busy digging their own graves with their teeth...but, what the hell would they know?

"Hey, waiter. Same again thanks!"

7. LUST

ANIMAL DESIRE FOR SEXUAL INDULGENCE
Lust is, mostly, a male thing.

When I was a small boy, I desperately wanted a pair of x-ray glasses which would enable me to check out the hidden mysteries of the local sheilas. I’m now what is colloquially called an ‘old fart’ and I’m still hankering for a pair of those x-ray glasses - preferably with bi-focal lenses but, so far, no luck. I’ve placed numerous classified ads in various newspapers but, clearly, no bloke who has a pair of these magic specs is willing to part with them at any price so, recently, I did the next best thing and went to a local strip joint.

Wow!

Not even in her wildest dreams could Dame Nelly Melba have so totally captivated an audience! Our ages ranged from eighteen to eighty and we were held spellbound by Little Bo Peep as she dropped her gear to the sounds of classic rock and heavy breathing. If carnal thoughts carried a gaol sentence each and every one of us would have been incarcerated for life.

JIM OLSSON

Me? I'm as guilty as hell of all seven sins.

On the other hand, I've never received a government hand out and being a white, politically incorrect male over 60, my chances of getting a free ride on the arts gravy train is pretty damn remote. There, I'm told, everybody is an artist and on the cutting edge of high art where the publicly funded movers and shakers are tap dancing, a dog turd is found sculpture, graffiti is art, noise is music, movement is dance and a telephone book is literature. Naturally enough, bumbledom and its arts administrators and academics who have put theory above practice are delighted. "Trust us," they say, "the direction has changed but you're too dumb to understand!" Maybe the direction has changed but, from where I'm standing, the smell of bullshit is overwhelming.

Bugger it. In my next life I'm going to join Alice on the other side of the looking glass.

THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS As far as I can ascertain, it all started with the Greeks who reckoned there were eight sins: pride, vainglory, acedia(?), anger, sadness, avarice, lust and gluttony. Later theologians folded pride into vainglory, acedia into sadness and added envy. In the 17th century the Church replaced sadness with sloth and that’s the barrow they’ve been pushing ever since. Along the way, artists were commissioned to depict the sins and the punishments to remind the faithful of the horrors which awaited them if they strayed from the straight and narrow path. Those artists created a fine body of work which, whilst historically significant, is irrelevant in today’s society. The sins are still the same but, as far as I know, nobody of late has been chucked into a snake pit because of sloth - today, they’re on welfare! Ergo, what I set out to do was to get rid of the ancient symbolism and bring the depiction of the sins up to date.
1. PRIDE VERWEENING OPINION OF ONE’S OWN QUALITIES According to Shakespeare, ‘All the world’s a stage and all the men and women are merely players:’ What he didn’t say is every damn player reckons he, or she, is centre stage in the lead role and the rest of the world’s six billion people are the supporting cast. Naturally enough, if one is the star one ought to look the part: for a man that’s pretty easy because his self esteem is irrevocably linked to the size of his penis and, provided he bathes fairly regularly, wears a good suit and drives an expensive car, he might be told he has rugged good looks. A woman with similar features might be told she’s homely. Unfair? Sure, but her wobbly bits can be kept in check with foundation garments and, if money is no object, a surgeon’s scalpel can work wonders on wrinkles, tummies, tits, bums, lips and noses...whatever. Then with a little help from her beauty consultant, hairdresser, manicurist and dentist the transformation is truly amazing. All is vanity - the only problem is, it takes the dedication of a panel beater an hour and a half each morning to assemble the star.	2. ENVY GRUDGING CONTEMPLATION OF MORE FORTUNATE PERSONS It’s not fair! I’m as straight as an arrow and every bit as good as the next bloke so how come I keep missing out on my share of fame and fortune? It’s not as if I want to be a rock star or anything but I’ve spent my entire life colouring-in and it’s about time I got some recognition. Maybe I miss out on the odd shower or two but I don’t masturbate in public, I don’t fart in elevators and I don’t wear my wife’s underwear. Mind you, it’s probably true I have the memory of an amnesiac, the wit of an undertaker and the jolly good humour of a traffic cop but that’s no reason for art critics to laugh at my work - they’ll get their come-uppance! I’m also beginning to get more than a little touchy about people who steal my ideas - fact is, for most of my life it’s been one damn thing after another. You can laugh but I reckon life sucks!	3. WRATH ANGER AGAINST AN INNOCENT Recently I read 64% of Australians are angry, "...at nothing in particular." And, according to society’s watchdogs, it’s wrong to repress anger because anger creates adrenaline which gives one indigestion etc. Ergo, I suppose it’s a good thing there’s lots of unrepressed anger on our roads today: burning rubber, flashing lights, bad language and offensive gestures are nothing more than the outward signs of motorists trying to curb their indigestion. Apologists have come to the party and flipped a coat of respectability over unrepressed anger and gross stupidity by re-naming it ‘road-rage’ meaning, of course, the out-of-control clown behind the wheel is no longer responsible for his (or her) actions. On the other hand, if some angry idiot wants to play chicken with a brick wall, he (or she) has my blessing - one less idiot on the road means less traffic congestion and that has to be a good and desirable outcome. Me? I forgot my antacid tablet, "So move it asshole!"	4. SLOTH INDOLENCE Nothing much happened today. My dole cheque arrived (yawn) so I bought a bottle of rum and some cigarettes (yawn) and spent the day with my feet up watching television (yawn). I’ll finish this painting...one day...	5. AVARICE GREED Social engineers reckon the road to Utopia will be hacked out through economic reform - only problem is the reformers appear to have their hands jammed in the cash register. Gnawing at the foundations of society are those who were, once, thought to be its pillars. When I was a small child I used to look up to and admire teachers and clergymen but, of late, far too many have been caught with their pants around their ankles. I also admired policemen, doctors, bank managers and politicians - not any more! Too many of us have had our rights violated by bent police, been ill treated by doctors busy rorting the health system, been ripped off by conniving bank managers and been lied to by corrupt politicians who have redefined the meaning of honesty.. For what? In most cases, a quick buck. Our children are quick learners and know there’s more going on under the table than on top - small wonder they neither trust nor respect their elders.	6. GLUTTONY EXCESSIVE EATING Recently I made a mid-morning foray into a suburban shopping centre and, frankly, I couldn’t believe what I saw: bucket assed families waddling around, shovelling an endless supply of fast food into their fat faces - (the really good thing about fast food is it gives one more time to eat more). One problem I’ve noticed with fast food is, there’s no smell and everything tastes the same. According to a university report I read recently, respondents in a blind test couldn’t tell the difference between raw and cooked hamburger meat. Same with apples and oranges which, today, are picked early and gassed en route to produce markets. Dieticians reckon the average family is busy digging their own graves with their teeth...but, what the hell would they know? "Hey, waiter. Same again thanks!"
7. LUST ANIMAL DESIRE FOR SEXUAL INDULGENCE Lust is, mostly, a male thing. When I was a small boy, I desperately wanted a pair of x-ray glasses which would enable me to check out the hidden mysteries of the local sheilas. I’m now what is colloquially called an ‘old fart’ and I’m still hankering for a pair of those x-ray glasses - preferably with bi-focal lenses but, so far, no luck. I’ve placed numerous classified ads in various newspapers but, clearly, no bloke who has a pair of these magic specs is willing to part with them at any price so, recently, I did the next best thing and went to a local strip joint. Wow! Not even in her wildest dreams could Dame Nelly Melba have so totally captivated an audience! Our ages ranged from eighteen to eighty and we were held spellbound by Little Bo Peep as she dropped her gear to the sounds of classic rock and heavy breathing. If carnal thoughts carried a gaol sentence each and every one of us would have been incarcerated for life.	JIM OLSSON Me? I'm as guilty as hell of all seven sins. On the other hand, I've never received a government hand out and being a white, politically incorrect male over 60, my chances of getting a free ride on the arts gravy train is pretty damn remote. There, I'm told, everybody is an artist and on the cutting edge of high art where the publicly funded movers and shakers are tap dancing, a dog turd is found sculpture, graffiti is art, noise is music, movement is dance and a telephone book is literature. Naturally enough, bumbledom and its arts administrators and academics who have put theory above practice are delighted. "Trust us," they say, "the direction has changed but you're too dumb to understand!" Maybe the direction has changed but, from where I'm standing, the smell of bullshit is overwhelming. Bugger it. In my next life I'm going to join Alice on the other side of the looking glass.

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